doing a hideously-pointless-but-satisfying/nonarduous assignment for my fellowship that basically just boils down to recording myself verbally flexing about my own science communication skills/the Central Importance of the Questions of My Narrow Subset of the Field, etc
so that’s not all that bad; and i spent rather longer than i should have this evening with someone i like a great deal, consuming the bubble tea of inevitable sin and talking, which is not good for my work schedule but was excellent for my emotional well-being
and i’ve finally sketched out a viable plan for the large and terrible assignment for the class i don’t care about, such that i will have something to actually latch on to in order to write it tomorrow afternoon, in the span of time that just opened up from the cancellation of my 3-hr work meeting; it boils down to a few thousand words but i can definitely manage that in that span of time even though i still have a lot of the research/source assembly ahead of me as well (”in that span of time” here meaning “in that span of time, plus the whole evening before/after Pointless Fellowship Assignment Discussion Activity, because i will need at least half of those three hours to go on tumblr in.” but that’s still workable.)
so that’s all fine. i thought maybe i was going to be totally fucked at this point in the week, but it’s okay, it will all be okay, i will get through to the other side of the week surviving it
also uh on a different note my therapist thinks i have adhd??????? which. i’m not. unsympathetic to, as an interpretation of my chronic, constant, and inevitable procrastination, and incredible difficulty paying attention to anything uninteresting without active outside pressure making me do it and often not even then really? also i need constant sensory stimulation to focus on things and can’t stay on one task for any length of time longer than half an hour to maybe an hour, and have never continued to own a piece of paper for more than a day in my whole damn life unless it goes in the Only Notebook and i never ever take it out until the exact moment it is needed again after which all bets are once again off
on the other hand i almost always eventually do things, and am good at calibrating my expectation of time needed for tasks to avoid working past ~1am, and can keep track of things in a calendar now. and it all causes me much more internal distress/inconvenience than it does actually disrupt my ability to deliver on my responsibilities anyway, w limited exceptions such as uh…my job, and also like, i am maybe just lazy and possessed of inherent moral rot and unconsciously gamed the diagnostic questionnaire on which she is basing part of this belief out of a desire to find a semi-external/treatable locus for my points of personal weakness. so you know. who’s to say
must a sport be entertaining to watch? 