lets-talk-about-sects:

THE SIGNS AS SURREALLY EXTRA MEDIEVAL/EARLY MODERN EVENTS

ARIES: ETIQUETTE AT VERSAILLES, 1682

Louis XVI literally made up like 15 million court rituals to deadass just fuck with the nobles and keep them busy while he blinged the political shit out of France

TAURUS: TRIAL BY ORDEAL

During the absolute shitshow of the 16th century, this one random asshole decided to be burned alive to prove that God would save him because he alone had the right interpretation of the Bible, and then died because he refused to admit he might be wrong

GEMINI: AVIGNON PAPACY, 1309-1376

The French cardinals got so salty at the Italians they fucking moved the papacy to Avignon and went through 100 years of drama just to prove their point

CANCER: SIEGE OF MUNSTER, 1534

SO these extra ass Anabaptists decided to take over Münster and institute mandatory communism and group sex and then the Catholics and Lutherans were so done with this their shit they sacked the city, put the leaders in cages, hung the cages from the cathedral, and left the skeletons there until like 1850. The cages are STILL THERE. Do you see my point

LEO: POSTING OF THE 95 THESES, 1517

Martin Luther was such a petty👏🏻 hoe👏🏻 he drew up a detailed list of all the reason the Catholic Church was the absolute worst, nailed it to the cathedral door, and then fuckin MAILED IT to every major political figure in Europe just to deadass start a fight

VIRGO: THE FIRST COUNCIL OF NICEA, 325

The Arian Controversy is a whole earth sign clusterfuxk of its own but St. Nick takes it to a whole new level – he got so fed up with Arius’ being a little bitch that he punched him in the FACE during the most important ecumenical council of medieval Christianity

LIBRA: DANIELE DA VOLTERRA, 1565

Because they were all in existential crisis after of the Protestant Revolution, the Italians freaked out about sexy paintings and in a moment of panic put pants on all the paintings of naked people in the Sistine Chapel, but then realized they fucked up and tried to undo it for like 50 years

SCORPIO: THE FOURTH CRUSADE, 1204

The Christians changed their minds halfway through a crusade and casually sacked Constantinople like the PETTY👏🏻BITCHES👏🏻THEY👏🏻WERE👏🏻

SAGITTARIUS: THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, 1534

Henry VIII declared himself head of the English Church and started a war with Spain AND Rome just so he could get with a hot girl

CAPRICORN: THE GREAT SCHISM, 1410-1417

Because men are all fucking CHILDREN, everyone suddenly decided they were the “correct” pope and no one would admit they were wrong, kicking off a continental existential panic that ruptured the entire fucking political order of Christian Europe

AQUARIUS: CONVERSION OF ROME, 1312

Emperor Constantine made a deal with God and when God won he casually converted the entire Roman Empire because go big or go home right

PISCES: JOHN V. INNOCENT IIII, 1213

Oh my god so THIS👏🏻BITCH👏🏻 Prince John decided to lead a coup against his brother, which irritated the pope, who decided to fuck with John by basically fucking around in England without permission. John got salty bc he was the fucking King so he started a literal flame war via mail w the pope and started arresting all the cardinals’ side hoes. Then the POPE was salty bc John was being a total dick so he excommunicated him, which John gave ZERO FUCKS ABOUT until the pope said he’d team up with France to fuck England up. John was like “shit oh no” so he just fucking gave the pope England as an apology gift and the pope was like “dude yeah we’re chill”