Tag: glass box

i won’t get better, but someday i’ll be free/cause i am not this body that imprisons me

i’ll be reborn someday, someday/if i wait long enough

nobody’s gonna drag you up/to get into the light where you belong


https://unopenablebox.tumblr.com/post/169692320837/audio_player_iframe/unopenablebox/tumblr_nf9ecfXkRY1u1jwje?audio_file=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Faudio_file%2Funopenablebox%2F169692320837%2Ftumblr_nf9ecfXkRY1u1jwje

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

hey if you’re having a hard time right now, listen to this song. it’s truly incredible.

Anyway, here are the lyrics, because this song reads as poetry:

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And hope someone will save me this time

And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides

Then you hang up the phone
And feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time

When your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you’re on,
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you

But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile

And you’ll be better and you’ll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend

And you’ll be awake, you’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends

You’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest, you’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome, you’ll be beautiful

You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below

And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them

Killdeer

aeide-thea:

You know how it pretends
to have a broken wing to
lure predators away from its
nest, how it staggers just out
of reach … if, at this moment,
you’re feeling metaphorical,
nest can be the whatever
inside us that we think needs
protection, the whatever that is
small & hasn’t yet found its
way. Like us it has lived so long
on scraps, on what others have
left behind, it thinks it could live
on air, on words, forever almost,
it thinks it would be better to let
the predator kill it than to turn
its back on that child again,
forgetting that one lives inside
the other.

—Nick Flynn

suicide tw, scrupulosity/guilt tw, descriptive body talk

currently-held beliefs [overall pretty posi, probably subject to day-to-day fluctuations, but i’m hoping that i can hold on to them for a while macroscopically.]:

– that my face and body are both “successfully”/ “innately” androgynous, by which i mean both: 

  • i feel that i am hot (my current most-desired ~positive body state as opposed to cute/beautiful/handsome/etc) and androgynous and even hot-because-androgynous
  • but also, that i am successfully training myself to consider my p much unchangeable visual qualities (tall, bony, very straight build, strong brows, “striking” face setup, atypically long hands/arms) to be a success of my desire to look androgynous. that is, i’m able to believe that the traits i have are successful achievements of how i want to appear. or, in approximation: i often like my face and body now.

– that my haircut is visually successful, gender/sexuality-affirmingly successful, and, again, “hot”.

– that my desire to die/become a rock/become a p-zombie or perfect simulation or robot copy of myself (which are all more or less equivalent urges, the latter of which is a relatively new one based on my newfound ability to somewhat/sometimes believe that my death would hurt others) is actually about me not wanting to be in pain/afraid/sad (again basically equivalent states), RATHER THAN about a strongly held moral belief that the world/others’ lives would be better if i did not exist. 

  • this is highly preferable because it is much harder to for me to justify “i don’t want to hurt” as a reason to kill myself than “i would actively improve others’ lives”. i am not often strongly moved to action by a desire to stop being in pain; i am often strongly moved to action by a desire to help people i love. (i don’t know 100% how much that’s true about me vs a belief about me, but the second one suffices for this.) admittedly it would also be good if i could like, make myself take painkillers when i have headaches, or whatever, but we are going one thing at a time right now. 
  • also, one of the frequent triggers for this desire for no more consciousness is being hurt by the actions of someone i love, and identifying the impulse as being me wanting to escape the pain both lowers it in seriousness and helps me keep from flipping the weighting so that i am thinking more about how i might have triggered the incident than about the fact that i was hurt.

9, 20, 41?

answered 9 but i’ll cheat and also brag about this beautiful scarf. when i bought it i thought it was going to be a gift for someone else, but as soon as it arrived i realized that 1. they wouldn’t really appreciate it even though i was correct that it would look good on them and 2. i wanted it intensely. so now it’s mine:

20. Did you develop a new obsession?

i went All In on tatterpigs, which i think is the most obvious one– started my first game ever in january of this year and now have played many, run one, and am in multiple different rpg groups of various commitment and frequency. this is on the whole a good thing, i think, even if for some reason i can’t quite figure out why i’m doing it. certainly i’ve met a lot of really great people as a result of this, and i do like playing, and i like playing WITH those people, so that’s probably enough, i just can’t shake the feeling that somehow i’m only pretending to be a(/the kind of) person who plays ttrpgs. ok no, i know why this is, it is because the specific context in which i developed my initial intense devotion to the hobby has since [personal circumstance change redacted during this period of evaluation and quality assurance] and ever since i’ve been on the comedown of just “having fun” as opposed to “being creative-collaborative manic and filled with an extremely stupid version of love”

41. Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did?

er, therapy, actually, which despite consisting of really just me narrating things i already know about myself to my therapist while she frowns and refuses to diagnose me with things, has correlated neatly enough with a significant drop in suicidal ideation that i am at least cautiously willing to connect the two, especially since i don’t think my overall life circumstances changed enough to justify the drop compared to, let’s say, last january.

47-50

47. If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

i usually make a standalone resolutions post at the end of the year, and presumably will again, but here’s some, randomly, as i think of them:

  • i’m going to spend less time trying to extrapolate, from no information, ways in which i have been fundamentally wrong and in which i could become more correct
  • i will feel obligated to fewer people, such that do not i let people whom i do not even love screw with me simply out of a feeling that it would be unreasonable for me to object to such treatment. ideally i wouldn’t let people i love do that either but that’s maybe more of a 2019-level aspiration
  • i’ll figure out how to do the strength training/flexibility work that i want to do on my body in a way that’s actually sustainable and not harmful to me in other ways

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this?

i assume the end of that is supposed to be “who would you take with you.” my first thought is some kind of multiple-day hiking trip with a distinct, goal-oriented beginning and end and minimal to no internet access, somewhere snowy with forest. thought the second is a train-based trip through some part of europe, again a lot of movement is essential, which isn’t usually so much what i look for in a vacation but which is apparently essential for an “adventure” in my mind. thought the third is my bizarre desire to do some kind of large-scale, multi-day collaborative art project/installation with a bunch of other people. for the first two things i would bring like four or five friends (roommate/[names redacted]/my gf). for the third…… roommate, [redacted], my two favorite people from this quarter’s poetry class, my favorite person from last year’s art class… basically as many people whose thoughts i love as possible, in this insane fantasy in which we all could work together on a thing in a thoughtful excited way.

49. What do you wish for others for the coming year?

well, for people i love specifically i want more kindness to themselves, and more ease and comfort in their ways of being, which are good ways. i wish them more love from everyone they’d like to love them, and less attention from anyone they wish would go away, and the opening of more opportunities 

for a few people– mostly the people who have abused others, especially but not limited to people i love– i wish revelation, and loss, and genuine remorse that grows just as their victims’ pain is diminished, and whatever else their victims wish on them specifically which i am not personally equipped to wish.

50. What do you wish for yourself?

more kindness, more activity, more art. less impulsivity per se, but more willingness to act on desires, and to have desires. less eternal acquiescence, and even willingness, to be hurt. a better memory, both in the sense that would improve my studying ability and in the sense that would allow me to maintain a coherent overall picture of my relationship with someone else over time.

uh, mildly more concretely– a finished-enough research project, classes i love as much as i anticipate loving them, the deepening or extension or stabilization of a couple of relationships, the final merciful release from a few sources of psychological torment. 


https://unopenablebox.tumblr.com/post/168831315389/audio_player_iframe/unopenablebox/tumblr_m07ai1LEOn1r2ips0?audio_file=http%3A%2F%2Fa.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m07ai1LEOn1r2ips0o1.mp3

bluelambencydownward:

The Mountain Goats & Kaki King – Black Pear Tree

I saw the future in a dream last night –

There’s nothing in it. 

“Elegy for a Game,” Mary Ruefle

allyourprettywords:

Once I was on earth
and I liked it.
I got to look at my toes
underwater. They looked bigger
than they were in real life.
As anyone can tell by looking at it
sugar is meaningless.
You are not supposed to stay in the hot tub
longer than ten minutes.
After that it is meaningless.
Like white poinsettias.
I mean at Christmas.
Maybe Christmas is meaningless too
but we used to pretend it was not
and I liked that.
It’s pointless.
I don’t actually know what a football looks like.
I think they have something to do with babies.
The man is carrying a baby across a field.
He is trying to save it.
It’s hard.
Sometimes people die trying to do things.
That’s OK.
There are things more important
than life or death.
I miss holding my breath.