Tag: glass box

there’s definitely an alternate-universe version of me whose favorite band is the new pornographers, and i think that version of me is ultimately the worse for it in many ways but also probably has a much less repressed reaction to the desire to just post “my rights versus yours” over and over

Blue Rotunda

fleshactivities:

I am tired of having hands
she said
I want wings —

But what will you do without your hands
to be human?

I am tired of human
she said
I want to live on the sun —

     •

Pointing to herself:

Not here.
There is not enough
warmth in this place.
Blue sky, blue ice

the blue rotunda
lifted over
the flat street —

and then, after a silence:

    •

I want
my heart back
I want to feel everything again —

That’s what
the sun meant: it meant
scorched —

    •

It is not finally
interesting to remember.
The damage

is not interesting.
No one who knew me then
is still alive.

My mother
was a beautiful woman —
they all said so.

    •

I have to imagine
everything
she said

I have to act
as though there is actually
a map to that place:

when you were a child —

    •

And then:

I’m here
because it wasn’t true; I

distorted it —

    •

I want she said
a theory that explains
everything

in the mother’s eye
the invisible
splinter of foil

the blue ice
locked in the iris —

Then:

I want it
to be my fault
she said
so I can fix it —

    •

Blue sky, blue ice,
street like a frozen river

you’re talking
about my life
she said

except
she said
you have to fix it

in the right order
not touching the father
until you solve the mother

    •

a black space
showing
where the word ends

like a crossword saying
you should take a breath now

the black space meaning
when you were a child —

    •

And then:

the ice
was there for your own protection

to teach you
not to feel —

the truth
she said

I thought it would be like
a target, you would see

the center —

    •

Cold light filling the room.

I know where we are
she said
that’s the window
when I was a child

That’s my first home, she said
that square box —
go ahead and laugh.

Like the inside of my head:
you can see out
but you can’t go out —

    •

Just think
the sun was there, in that bare place

the winter sun
not close enough to reach
the children’s hearts

the light saying
you can see out
but you can’t go out

Here, it says,
here is where everything belongs

Louise Glück

i keep pleasantly distracting myself and then remembering that all i want is to be KILLED UNTIL I AM NOT AFRAID

mostly sucks bc i’m also being distracting/annoying to other ppl in my bids for brain relief, which is worse than just staying scared

frustratingly i am STILL like 80% terror for no reason

i mean, i still have important things to get done, but it seems generally like i? will do them? i seem, so far, to be doing them, i’m done w most of what i wanted to do today and have collected sources & planned my other assignments and have basically a completely open day and a half to get them done

but im still just…. feeling so so so negative and afraid and stressed

and it’s not helping that my efforts to feel less bad largely involve “not doing work” and also aren’t helping.

it is 2am why can’t i ever ever go to sleep? all i wanted tonight was to be asleep by 1:30am, i am not doing any work, i know i will fall asleep roughly 15min after i lie down in the dark with my eyes closed, why can’t i do that? why can’t i, instead of lying here reading sadly, put on pajamas and fall asleep?