Tag: glass box

wow i want so desperately to kill myself. obviously bc i was awake before 9. that’s why i have to be killed

…

it just hurts so much to exist and do things or go places. it hurts, and i’m tired of hurting: i’m ready to not hurt.

of course, i didn’t have to get up this early– i knew it would hurt but it felt morally right to get up early & then i couldn’t even get up [early "enough"/as early as i wanted to], so i hurt and i failed, but staying in bed to not hurt is a failure even more; i did this to myself, of course. i got up early because–– i don’t know, let’s say i wanted to get to work early and get things done, but of course i won’t be able to, i can only do maybe two things at work today, which is at least partly my own fault for being weak/lazy/performative on saturday when i was supposed to do work. so 1. i should save them to do when people are around & i can find out if the parts of the undoable tasks that aren’t my fault can be done yet. and 2. no one else at my job shows up at all until roughly 10 AM and it takes me maybe fifteen minutes to walk there.

…..but i have to be up before 9. because uh–– because that’s–– because that’s how to be good. and i so wish i could be good.

had a great therapy session today, by which i mean it was very productive because my therapist managed to shock me by pointing out that if something happens that makes me feel uncomfortable/worried/nervous, it might be because the thing is weird, concerning, or bad. i had jumped straight to “it’s because i’m needy, difficult, and inherently flawed, and need to learn to stop having this kind of reaction” [+ infinite echo chamber of self-hate for inability to stop having emotions], apparently without considering the fact that, with some consistency, if i feel like something is unexpected and leaving me wrong-footed and anxious, it turns out to be because the event in question is something that it would be reasonable for a person to be confused or perturbed about, because it’s reflective of something bad happening or something trying to hurt me. this is even including the times when literally no one else in my life was noticing anything acutely concerning about the thing, but it made me feel bad and afraid. i’m not only not manufacturing every emotion due to my hypersensitive, overreactive neediness and inability to function as a useful human being–– i actually react, on a visceral/emotional level, more perceptively than other people i know to at least one [nontrivial] known instance of a problem. 

of course i obviously am not, you know, willing to extend this to the idea that it would be, in the future, okay for me to feel and express things that might make other people’s lives difficult, cause them inconvenience, or require them to accommodate me. just because i was, in the past, correct and probably not having a wildly outside initial reaction to things does not mean i have now earned the right to have a feeling or tell someone about that feeling. just because that “maybe means something is actually wrong” and “it’s good to address and solve problems that are hurting me, so i am no longer in pain”…. etc. 

that is not real, i am not convinced that the unreasonable:justifiable ratio of causes of my emotions is low enough for me to apply a blanket belief instead of a blanket discounting and i still would prefer to never feel anything that caused anyone any problems ever, or indeed to have any negative or difficult impact on anyone’s life. when i was too depressed to believe i could possibly be net-not-harming anyone, i wanted to die so that i could stop impacting people; now, i would prefer to be replaced with an indistinguishable robot copy of myself that only expresses feelings that make other people feel good and affirmed, since apparently some people net benefit from having me around. but that’s not enough–– i could be better–– i could be frictionless–– i could be perfect