feeling weirdly– idk tired of myself? desiring-to-disavow myself. not strictly mad at myself, that was earlier, just like…. wishing to escape the self somehow. i’d like to move out. this is partly weird bc bulk of today was spent in 1. lecture for class i’m good at 2. preprogram meeting for my summer volunteering gig, which i love most of all the things i do and the organizers of which think i am a perfect genius. actually more on that later i have bragging to do 3. with @biosweg and wisely tumblrless friend drinking the tea of moral corruption and chatting/watching in terror as they planned mcat study. none of which should really come with an especially strong version of my sometime self-image as a golem, or a robot, or some polyhedra, or something. but that is absolutely where i am
weirdly this came with and feels linked to having a lot of especially medium-uselessness high-compassion emotions– eg worrying about a dramatic appearance change in one of the volunteer organizers that could indicate she’s sick, even though i am unable to do anything about it even if our relationship was not high-mutual-affection but extremely-low-intimacy professionalism and she were not you know an administrator nearly 2x my age; though of course the inappropriateness of me even considering asking her if she’s ok is probably part of the lasting power/compassion/uselessness of the whole experience
or, idk, watching [friends] plan out weeks of literal nonstop test prep misery and being able to come up with only “… if u let me know a few days out when your extra-miserable days are i’d love to make you dinner so you don’t have to work for 7 hours and then study for 5 hours and then cook? or spend a ton of money getting downtown and back for an 8 hour practice test and then cook or have to buy food?” which is like. very high uselessness even if it is also probably the literal most materially helpful thing i can come up with to do, at least rn
cautious/low-stability test balloon post but, i think my name might be gray– or grey?
lmao i’ve literally had like four days of strangers vaguely indicating they’re reading me as male (not even for the whole interaction! just initially, for the first three seconds, before they hear my voice/know my name/see my hands) and im already like Okay That Was Good But Time To Femme It Up A Little More I Guess, Can’t Have Anyone Thinking I’m Possessed Of Some Kind Of Coherent, Potentially Non-Gay, Binary Gender Or Anything
i am just fucking doomed to bounce back and forth between gender presentations/ways of connoting directions of gayness fucking forever aren’t i
i mean, re that whole tag essay you should actually feel free to. um. gently explain to me that i am appropriating the lesbian and/or gay male experience or anything else, or ungently, gentleness is not an actual prerequisite to pointing out that i’m doing bad things. “feel free not to yell at me” is not accurate. feel free to yell at me from any position other than being cisheterosexual or a transphobe.
whining more under the cut, whatever, sorry, i’ve tone shifted from manic to sad but that’s probably appropriate
i don’t, uh– i mean i simultaneously still inhabit a lot of lesbian social positioning and can only possibly, if i’m being read male which i guess sometimes/transiently i am, be read as a very effeminate man who [context context context life stuff secret perblog blah blah blah] would at least sometimes be specifically read as gay by like, strangers, anyone seeing me from a distance.
but like, i understand why i maybe shouldn’t really use either of those terms bc they’re both supposed to mean [thing, and specifically not the other thing]. [thing, to the exclusion of other thing]. bisexual is a word for a reason; i shouldn’t be struggling so much with the ways it feels to me like it connotes “same and other” like there are genders that are specifically the same as or other than mine, like it connotes that i can coherently be in either a straight or gay relationship in a way that would be acceptable for me to say, and that some relationships i’d be in would be consistently one of those and some would be consistently the other.
and maybe i’m supposed to be able to get there– like, i need to settle on some of what i do being straight so i’m not hurting other people by claiming an experience i’m not actually having. but i genuinely don’t know how to frame myself that way without hurting myself or making statements about what gender identities are allowed/acceptable in ways that i don’t think are supposed to be true about other people. not that i think it “has” to be ok for me to be ~~gay in both directions~~ or whatever, something doesn’t have to be okay just because it hurts me for it to not be okay, lots of people hurt more all the time, lots of people who are more vulnerably/authentically/materially [gay/trans] are being hurt lots more for worse reasons that i might unintentionally play into by being careless with language, that’s the whole point, that’s why this is a problem for me, because i don’t want to do that to the extent that it’s possible to not do that.
i don’t know. i’ve never felt like i was any good at being a girl or at least just and always a girl, i never managed it properly, one way of explaining it was “oh i’m a lesbian”, one way of explaining it was “oh i’m nonbinary”, one way was, hideously and genuinely, the alison bechdel joke about just being smarter, though in my defense i was twelve. but if i have to leave– whatever, i’d end up back there, as a woman who is a lesbian, because i’m too much of a coward and too attached to my current (already-androgynous-to-me-but-whatever) body to properly Binary Transition and also i’m definitely not a man full-time or most of the time so i should just go back to the thing that i already was out as and that isn’t extremely $$$$. but there are some things if i were a lesbian again that i’d have to give up, that i can’t possibly give up. i can’t escape; i don’t want to escape; i should learn to use the word bisexual and just accept never figuring out which actions are supposed to be the straight ones (except it’s [transphobia directed at myself that might hurt others redacted]). why. i’m going to sleep now but– i’m sorry about all of this, genuinely, and also, why can’t i…. not.
lmao i’ve literally had like four days of strangers vaguely indicating they’re reading me as male (not even for the whole interaction! just initially, for the first three seconds, before they hear my voice/know my name/see my hands) and im already like Okay That Was Good But Time To Femme It Up A Little More I Guess, Can’t Have Anyone Thinking I’m Possessed Of Some Kind Of Coherent, Potentially Non-Gay, Binary Gender Or Anything
i am just fucking doomed to bounce back and forth between gender presentations/ways of connoting directions of gayness fucking forever aren’t i
must a sport be entertaining to watch? 