devil on my shoulder: aries refusing to listen to wise advice by interpreting guidance or suggestion as relegating and underestimating them
devil on my shoulder: taurus “they don’t care the same way that you do”
devil on my shoulder: gemini being deceitful or lying for no valid reason but to experiment with the different reactions they provoke out from different people
devil on my shoulder: cancer incessantly and secretly questioning people’s intentions and using past experiences to justify their suspicions
devil on my shoulder: leo their feelings of jealousy or envy toward certain people are justified and not based on a fleeting image and false assumptions
devil on my shoulder: virgo waiting for something to go wrong so they can be vindicated and their observation proven right
devil on my shoulder: libra withholding vital or sensitive information at crucial time because they assume they know best, the person is ‘not ready’, or it will cause uncomfortable tension or conflict
devil on my shoulder: scorpio “people are inherently bad, friends are just as easily enemies, and if you don’t do it first it will happen to you regardless”
devil on my shoulder: sagittarius “you’re not really having fun until you’ve consumed everything and you can’t feel anymore”
devil on my shoulder: capricorn “if you turn your back for a moment they won’t hesitate to take everything and find your replacement”
devil on my shoulder: aquarius gives a very limited amount of time for somebody to state their opinion and capture their attention before they refuse to hear a thing
devil on my shoulder: pisces what they find to alleviate and soothe their emotional anguish is a false redeemer who waits with more destruction behind that door, they face a devil disguised as an angel
THE SIGNS AS SURREALLY EXTRA MEDIEVAL/EARLY MODERN EVENTS
ARIES: ETIQUETTE AT VERSAILLES, 1682
Louis XVI literally made up like 15 million court rituals to deadass just fuck with the nobles and keep them busy while he blinged the political shit out of France
TAURUS: TRIAL BY ORDEAL
During the absolute shitshow of the 16th century, this one random asshole decided to be burned alive to prove that God would save him because he alone had the right interpretation of the Bible, and then died because he refused to admit he might be wrong
GEMINI: AVIGNON PAPACY, 1309-1376
The French cardinals got so salty at the Italians they fucking moved the papacy to Avignon and went through 100 years of drama just to prove their point
CANCER: SIEGE OF MUNSTER, 1534
SO these extra ass Anabaptists decided to take over Münster and institute mandatory communism and group sex and then the Catholics and Lutherans were so done with this their shit they sacked the city, put the leaders in cages, hung the cages from the cathedral, and left the skeletons there until like 1850. The cages are STILL THERE. Do you see my point
LEO: POSTING OF THE 95 THESES, 1517
Martin Luther was such a petty👏🏻 hoe👏🏻 he drew up a detailed list of all the reason the Catholic Church was the absolute worst, nailed it to the cathedral door, and then fuckin MAILED IT to every major political figure in Europe just to deadass start a fight
VIRGO: THE FIRST COUNCIL OF NICEA, 325
The Arian Controversy is a whole earth sign clusterfuxk of its own but St. Nick takes it to a whole new level – he got so fed up with Arius’ being a little bitch that he punched him in the FACE during the most important ecumenical council of medieval Christianity
LIBRA: DANIELE DA VOLTERRA, 1565
Because they were all in existential crisis after of the Protestant Revolution, the Italians freaked out about sexy paintings and in a moment of panic put pants on all the paintings of naked people in the Sistine Chapel, but then realized they fucked up and tried to undo it for like 50 years
SCORPIO: THE FOURTH CRUSADE, 1204
The Christians changed their minds halfway through a crusade and casually sacked Constantinople like the PETTY👏🏻BITCHES👏🏻THEY👏🏻WERE👏🏻
SAGITTARIUS: THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, 1534
Henry VIII declared himself head of the English Church and started a war with Spain AND Rome just so he could get with a hot girl
CAPRICORN: THE GREAT SCHISM, 1410-1417
Because men are all fucking CHILDREN, everyone suddenly decided they were the “correct” pope and no one would admit they were wrong, kicking off a continental existential panic that ruptured the entire fucking political order of Christian Europe
AQUARIUS: CONVERSION OF ROME, 1312
Emperor Constantine made a deal with God and when God won he casually converted the entire Roman Empire because go big or go home right
PISCES: JOHN V. INNOCENT IIII, 1213
Oh my god so THIS👏🏻BITCH👏🏻 Prince John decided to lead a coup against his brother, which irritated the pope, who decided to fuck with John by basically fucking around in England without permission. John got salty bc he was the fucking King so he started a literal flame war via mail w the pope and started arresting all the cardinals’ side hoes. Then the POPE was salty bc John was being a total dick so he excommunicated him, which John gave ZERO FUCKS ABOUT until the pope said he’d team up with France to fuck England up. John was like “shit oh no” so he just fucking gave the pope England as an apology gift and the pope was like “dude yeah we’re chill”
Aries: “It can’t be that bad of a decision if I don’t end up on fire”
Taurus: “I’ve calculated this to plan, everything should go exactly right unless somebody else interferes and ruins it”
Gemini: “I am good at making decisions, I make countless a day…I can always just change my mind back”
Cancer: “What would my dead ancestors think of this??”
Leo: “I trust my instincts over anybody else – including myself”
Virgo: “My brain’s risk assessment program has concluded a 2% of success and 98% chance of disaster but you can expect better odds than that in life”
Libra: Libra: “I need to make a decision” Brain: “Okay” Libra: “What one do I choose?” Brain: *plays memory box cinematic masterpiece of every bad, humiliating, or unfortunate choice she has ever made in her life* Libra: “Okay”
Scorpio: “If I am wrong then I will sit here and wait for the whole universe to converge and prove it to me”
Sagittarius: “Its 5 o’clock somewhere….”
Capricorn: “Have I really calculated and planned for every variable? What am I missing? Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Will this have a long term implication on my future or career?”
Aquarius: “How will this decision change the course of my future? The earth’s future? The universe? The sun? The galaxy? Time and space and eternity… how….?”
Pisces: “Will anybody be hurt? Will everybody understand why I made this choice?… wait … what was I deciding about again..”
must a sport be entertaining to watch? 