Tag: box opener

ask meme: 18, 19, 22, and idk whichever ones you most wanted to answer (i say this bc i feel like no one ever happens to pick the ones i most wanted to answer when i reblog these things lol)

18. what’s your patronus?

i don’t strictly know what a patronus is meant to signify about oneself– i mean, obviously i engaged with The Franchise, don’t @ me, but rather whether it’s supposed to be straightforward self-identification or somehow about one’s personal attachments/emotional landscape/representative of that from which one draws strength or desires protection. if the latter there’s an obvious answer i won’t make, and i’m going to pretend it is the latter since that’s more interesting and we all already know i’m a cat (and plus there’s all that stuff about tonks’s patronus and whether harry really identifies with his dad per se etc etc ok there’s my bona fides for you).

anyway eliding the long and obvious answer (that’s a pun and not actually meant to be obvious except to me, when i say obvious i just mean “embarrassing”), it’s like…. idk a really big snake maybe. or. hm. what animal represents the force of joy so strong it stands between me and the loss of my soul? a really good dog but like that’s what anyone would say. a dog that does weird annoying too-smart-so-it-loops-around-to-being-dumb-again dog things, but you love it anyway. 

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

ravenclaw, probably, i’m not strictly speaking ambitious i’m kind but not really like that and i’m not brave. however i do love 1. reading 2. being a subject-matter and or technical expert 3. critical analysis 4. accruing enormous amounts of information about someone or something i care about in order to more ably care for them or carry it out. love is knowledge is love is power is knowledge et cetera.

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

1. reading (aggregate of tumblr + other blogs + various articles/stories found thru those blogs + school readings + dev bio journal articles + once a month or so an actual book) 2. sleep maybe?? not that i do a lot of it but it’s gotta add up 3. social time honestly i spend so much time w other people even if it’s just @ meals. i need lots of alone reading time but i also desperately miserably need social time with people it’s ridiculous. 4. homework/schoolwork/work-work 5. writing/Making for a lot of variable and variably silly definitions of making such as “curating blog”

25. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

honestly a lot of the time it is. i am fond of many things about my body– it has more and darker hair than i really want and the ribcage is honestly a total loss but i am Long and sort of androgynously constructed in a way that feels really soothing and harmonious with how i want to seem genderwise/aesthetically. my face is pretty good, could be better but i get a decent cute/exhausted/disdainful expression range and that works. i am … dealing with the clothes thing but i am often looking put-together in a mildly weird/gay/goth way or else doing Relaxed Genderfuck either of which are pleasant. mostly i want to look like a needle-sharp torpedo of infinite genius but like, one you want to make out with; and i think sometimes i’m not actually that far off.

5, 29, 30

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

i think i identify myself mostly by the way i act/present myself? i don’t describe myself as an artist even though i sometimes make art, for instance. my self is about internal state/observations thereof plus how i present myself/act. this is in my mind somewhat materially distinct from being defined by my impact on others– which is not even slightly unimportant to me but i definitely think my essential self would still exist if i were in total isolation, even if many of the parts/effects of it that i care about would stop existing. i also don’t think i’m necessarily defined by the outcomes or results of my actions, which i think is what i would call being defined by “things i do”, even though i guess my actions-with-additional-intent are also self-evidently “things i do” and those do count as part of the me. 

i didn’t answer the question really. i guess even though i know what’s important on any material level is the doing, i do think i have a being in myself that i get to value just for the sake of valuing my own thoughts/qualia. anything else seems like it’s just totally subjugating the concept of me as my own person to the needs/will/totally uncontrollable perceptions of others. holding the latter view feels like it should be virtuous somehow but for me is in practice mostly self-immolating and inducing of total craziness.

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

“the last limit of bhakti”, the mountain goats
let me serve you until it’s all over./when the world is giving your secrets all away/let me give you cover

(i get some free tmg mentions right? anyway “song for an old friend”, “if you see light”, “thank you mario but our princess is in another castle”, great let’s move on) (also smog “to be of use” which i’m binning here bc for me same sentiment + i learned about it indirectly via jd)

“bike dream”, rostam
i’m sure that you’ll catch your breath/you’ll sleep into the day/to wake up with sunlight across your room

“i love you for psychological reasons”, they might be giants
lately i’ve taken to vacantly making repetitive movements mistakenly seen as improvements

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.

it’s going to be from a poem obviously, but:

“I don’t owe anybody for the bad thoughts I think
or will think.” (from I Will Make A Useful Manual For My Tasks and Hide It, laura eve engel)

i wrote a poem

about this

here it is:

MACE WINDU TRANSFORMING MECH POEM

He’s got a sword in each hand.
The swords glow purple
and that’s important.
That’s how you know he matters,
that he’ll get one last long fight
with the world’s worst person
before dying. We’ll see the whole thing:
no cutaways to a woman
and her useless obstetrician,
no long shots from a puppet war,
and three squid aliens killed first
to show he’s serious.
This is what comes after.
After he is betrayed and killed
and left to fall through the skyline in shocks—
when the camera cuts away
so he might fall forever—
something of him is found and made anew

like the enemy he was told to seek once,
though he keeps, at least, his face,
the trappings of honor, some sign
of the man in dark robes.
In all his metal newness a message:
You might have been hollowed out.
You might feel that everything once part of you
is missing, even your legs proportioned wrong,
at any time you might fold in on yourself
and cease to be human,
and still there will be something left:
someone on your arm to follow you.
A part like your own body that
in untranslatable sound
says you are not
at the last
left alone.

ok so i wore my suit pants from my Topman Suit to roommate’s family easter a couple weeks ago, and i had for some reason mentally glossed them as being really loose/ill-fitting but actually they look good? they fit me well and are still pretty ~~fitted~~ without, yk, the women’s skinny jeans thing where you can just see the whole fucking leg

plus the pockets thing obviously

so. now. i have to buy mens pants????

oh wow i am gonna just…. die

by which i mean: idiot, life ruined by discovery of mold on bag of bagels which it knew were past sell-by and should not have made any plans around, is unable to come up with a second option at 1AM, resigns itself to life of humiliation

also i am not done with homework bc i am not. good at making myself mark offbeats on many many lines of poetry.

ALSO i said something dumb earlier today and im still embarrassed about it bc it was stupid

i am literally not even hungry, i am in pain, that is a different experience and i am so annoyed that my brain is conflating them in this particular manner

dead dove do not eat

it’s hard to figure out how to view myself as maybe bisexual WITHOUT wanting to kill myself

i feel like i’m betraying everything and no one will want to talk to me anymore. and also that i’ll stop being a person. and also that if i was Nonbinary But Also Still A Lesbian In The Approveable Flattened Version Of Leslie Feinberg Manner that was still acceptable and interesting and ascribed to me some territory and value, but if not then i’m not anything anymore, i might as well give up and be a straight girl and then you know kill myself, which is the inevitable consequence of me being a straight girl.

eta: also, of course, men are terrifying and i only like three of them, and i’m not totally clear on why i’ve elected to do this to myself, it’s not like it’ll make anything easier and now i’ll just be boring and no one will like me