banana, coconut, papaya, apricot x

banana: favorite horror movies?

i am unfortunately unable to watch horror movies because they get inside me and i get Too Scare and very very sad and anxious. i can just about run up to an “annihilation” level of thriller/body horror but that’s where i disembark

i also don’t watch movies nearly ever but that’s, its own problem,

coconut: favorite perfume?

i’ve been wearing ck one a lot lately, in a real appropriative 90s bitch/lowest-hanging-fruit-genders kind of mood

otherwise im eternally working thru the samples i amassed three years ago when i bought a lot of things at sephora, but i don’t have any strong favorites rn of the ones in rotation

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic?

answered but i’ll go again and cheat even more egregiously this time. “needing/getting” ok go + “hard times” buke & gase + “variations on a cloud” miracle musical + “the cn tower belongs to the dead” owen pallett

apricot: what do you do when you’re sad?

in descending order of frequency:

if it’s the regular sads & i’m just like, dwelling in it: reread my sadposting tumblr tags, listen to random music, obliquely pester or soberly avoid pestering my friends, write poorly or obsessively, watch ten consecutive youtube videos of moderate comedic value

if i’m trying to fix it: listen to upbeat music, walk around, seek out an actual social interaction or engage in several online conversations at once, potentially even engage in a physically affectionate activity which is the ultimate in mood fixing but also wholly forbidden so that’s challenging, eat a delicious food that i like

if i’m in the blistering all-encompassing thought crush howl of depression fear: curl up in my desk chair at 2:30AM, listen to loud dissonant melodied music to try to suppress some of the tracks of my thoughts (sleigh bells, as a fallback/default), write extremely weird delusional things, if i’m unlucky get all the way to engaging with another person and say some sad limping oblique monstrously weird failed-cryptic misery shit, develop bizarre ritualized eating habits, attempt to form logic out of puréed-and-frozen brain slush, wind up with a hateful suspicion against the concepts of causality and existence

fortunately that last one gets to live in 2014-2017 where it belongs

🌻

you caught me at a moment when I’m trying and abundantly failing to write a poem. here’s some parts of this failed & failing poem:

Any space that can be filled with a seatback screen and the full run of Transformers
Dark of the Moon or in your case a paperback of Dhalgren
is enough time for anyone and now I’m done waiting

which is just bodies and words
but such soft bodies. Such fearful words.

Someone else’s mouth— not mine
I can’t feel things with my mouth—

…so anyway now we know what it looks like when i spin my wheels frantically at some Words

i am fucking struggling with the directive to interact syntax and line, friends. i don’t know shit about either one! mostly line. i’m very bad at line

name some objects for me in the replies. some real objects. im supposed to write a poem

w h i n i n g

so why do we think that i am just an unsatisfiable black hole for attention & affection to fall into. what are our bets about that. my guess is i drank too much fluoride as a child and it calcified the gland that would make me bearable

heyyyyy @ the friends & followers whom have changed their names for gender reasons. how’d you like. choose. i have known that my name isn’t like, actually my name, for a while, but i can’t figure out what my name is. also how do you ask people to just. fuckin. call u a thing

i woke up a little disoriented this morning and kicked my feet a bit and thought, i think yesterday something good happened to my body. i felt calm and centered and warm and right, and sore but not very sore, and for once neither nauseated nor starved nor hideously migrainey. i just lay around and basked a while. it was excellent

i realize that this post sounds like i’m a nun who just had a full st. theresa sex-with-god experience but actually i just went to a zumba class for the first time in months

hey so i haven’t really been forthcoming about it on this blog for uh reasons but in many ways this is the best my life has been in like…. at least six years

good things are happening. i almost never want to die lately. i’m very cute and pretty smart and extremely extremely loved

watermelon, grape?

watermelon: do you have a job? if so, what is your job title?

i do! i am an undergraduate research assistant at the moment, which in my case means that i have an independent research project in a dev bio/modeling lab @ my university. this is only a temporary title, however. someday, people will call me by my stage name: they will call me Doctor Worm.

i’m also a TA this quarter for the course my faculty mentor teaches, which, despite being the class i apparently did so well in that he offered me a job w/o me interviewing or even asking, nonetheless contains a great deal of math that i think i am being entirely incompetent at explaining. nonetheless i do… receive money in exchange for doing it, somehow

grape: if you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?

…….back to LA which from my very biased experience is basically a magical world of beaches and museums and parks punctuated by waiting 30 minutes to go on a 90-minute train ride. but yeah site of five headiest most delightful five days of my life, check.

but no in the more pipe-dream-y/actual destination sense: some Grand Tour of Europe shit, probably. i miss fuckign…. salzburg, which is. wild of me

pomegranate, blueberry, kiwi, papaya, star fruit (hard mode: aside from the vampire squid)

honestly. how dare you. the vampire squid is the low-hanging fruit that i use when i can’t come up with anything better. i was into the vampire squid when i was 12. do you think i’m basic or something

anyway.

pomegranate: when do you feel the most confident?

while setting up a punchline in a group i have a good sense of already; when i’m discussing a journal article w other people; s*x, sometimes, tbh. basically situations where it’s not necessarily that i am exactly right/going to do everything right, even though there’s a decent chance i will, but that i’m sure that i can come across as smart and interesting and valuable regardless.

blueberry: what do you want to dress up as for halloween?

presumably as always i will try to come up with something charmingly esoteric and end up panicking and improvising with whatever i have in my wardrobe. if i’m really lazy or preferably doing several days of costumes then i may repeat last year’s Cambridge Youth Dying Of Consumption.

kiwi: what’s something that fascinates you?

architecture & architecture theory, not that i like, know or understand anything about it.

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic?

aesthetically, i exist at the intersection of “kiss me, son of god” by tmbg and “staring at the sun” by tv on the radio. i am the middle of that venn diagram.

star fruit: favorite sea creature?

i appreciate the way that tunicates are extremely unlikely-seeming chordates that move from tadpole to notochordless colonies or superficially sea-cucumber-like organisms. plus it’s really cute to watch the backs of the larvae zip themseves up into tiny protonotochords!