box opener – Page 23 – must a sport be entertaining to watch?

i keep pleasantly distracting myself and then remembering that all i want is to be KILLED UNTIL I AM NOT AFRAID

mostly sucks bc i’m also being distracting/annoying to other ppl in my bids for brain relief, which is worse than just staying scared

frustratingly i am STILL like 80% terror for no reason

i mean, i still have important things to get done, but it seems generally like i? will do them? i seem, so far, to be doing them, i’m done w most of what i wanted to do today and have collected sources & planned my other assignments and have basically a completely open day and a half to get them done

but im still just…. feeling so so so negative and afraid and stressed

and it’s not helping that my efforts to feel less bad largely involve “not doing work” and also aren’t helping.

unopenablebox:

i realize this makes my frenzy of terror only more ridiculous in retrospect but guess whom has a TAing job for the fall

see the real embarrassing issue with my life is i am very lazy and currently able to only do things i care a lot about which means that i felt like such a fake bitch coming in to this interview all “oh i loved this class, it was exactly what i hoped a college science class would be and really shaped how i approach research and analysis, it’s all been downhill from there, all i’ve ever wanted was to be exactly like our TA who taught us how to read papers” but it’s also true, bc if it wasn’t i’d just be arranging to do SAT tutoring on the weekends or something instead

i realize this makes my frenzy of terror only more ridiculous in retrospect but guess whom has a TAing job for the fall

why only stress dreams? sleep was a mistake

it is 2am why can’t i ever ever go to sleep? all i wanted tonight was to be asleep by 1:30am, i am not doing any work, i know i will fall asleep roughly 15min after i lie down in the dark with my eyes closed, why can’t i do that? why can’t i, instead of lying here reading sadly, put on pajamas and fall asleep?

perhaps we were wrong and it will emerge that everything had a purpose after all; that a jaw’s job was to clench, as a back muscle’s job is to ache, or a throat’s job is to feel abraded as though with a fine sandpaper,

filled with fear

well ok im also afraid bc im acutely aware that i don’t, in fact, know anything, and am not really qualified to TA the class