on some level part of the current self-presentation project is to acclimatize people to my existence as a neutral [and therefore, of course, inherently somewhat masculine-coded, but we’ll live] baseline; because i like being adorned or decorative or visually impressive, but it has to be as clearly deliberate unusual personalized and curated as possible, while still demonstrating my refined understated situation-appropriate and discerning taste. training people to view me as a masculine-neutral canvas onto which the feminine-decorative of makeup, jewelry, or sleek & unusual clothing can be attached is by far my preferred method of doing this. 

at times when i am driven by dysphoria (rather than convenience/practicality or physical difficulties, for instance) to dress in an unimpressive, messy, and unmarked (marked as young/unprofessional/careless) way, it is often because i am feeling that my whole body is instead, and coercively, this decorative dimorphic object. the voluntary choice to be visible is taken from me; i reclaim it through the medium of loose-fitting men’s clothing and haircuts in order to force other people to see the noninherently-gendered quality of my face and body.

of course there are inherent points of failure here: the inability to actually control how one is viewed; the lack of continuity/inability to create a long-term visual “arc” for all people one interacts with; being in too much (literal, physical) pain to not wear hoodies. i consider my end goal(s) here to be in service of the process rather than the other way around; the goal matters deeply, but it’s not necessarily an anticipated achievement.