💚 who are you jealous of and why? 

uh ok right now i am very envious of one specific friend because he is at [highly positive location] with [highly positive people] and i no longer am, and this is no fault of his or mine or anyone’s but still: rude.

i don’t know if i’m like, jealous of anybody, in the sense of feeling threatened by the possibility of having something of mine or a relationship taken away by someone else? i don’t have anything and anyone who can take anything from me deserves it more.

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

probably my most inconvenient trait is being avoidant about things that make me anxious, which just leads to really annoying issues because i’ve ignored a work thing or some paperwork or whatever and now its urgent and unpleasant instead of just unpleasant. i almost never blow deadlines, at least, which is why im not working harder on it, but it is very blatantly why i’m just not that good at my job, because once i actually show up to it i’m like, perfectly adequate, but i don’t… always show up. or metaphorically show up to the matlab scripts on my laptop, or whatever. i am mostly planning to improve that by overcoming my shame about it enough to talk about it so i am held more externally accountable, resulting in more deadlines and accordingly more productivity.

uhhhhh “worst” feels deeper than that though. the trait i hate the most about myself is something along the lines of “possessed of misdirected desire”, but that’s really just any desire that is not explicitly allowed and reciprocated/endorsed and even some of them that are, and at that point i think me hating that about myself is itself the pathology, not like, my experience of the human emotion of wanting. i plan to overcome that by……. dying someday? i also sometimes feel like my worst trait is the inverse of that, in that i am not totally willing to be completely physically, emotionally, and mentally available to everyone who might want me to be on the basis of their affection for me. that is probably not also an actually bad trait, although again, thinking it is…. might be.

uh. actually my worst trait is my sweeping judgmental dismissals of things, made almost entirely for entertainment value or aesthetic effect, which then lead people who like them to actually feel bad or judged. that’s just shitty! no one benefits, it just sucks, i at the least want to work harder at making obvious the unseriousness/potential malleability of a vast majority of my opinions so that people will be more able to discount me if they like.

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

uh, in flux due to gender, primarily. mostly i like looking sleek and put-together, androgynous, elegant, and mean. although i’ve also been aiming frequently for a sort of cozy casual butch thing recently. i like boots, jeans, leather jackets, black, dark grey, red, graphic tees with at most two colors and ideally an abstract joke about either furniture design or death, and wearing a plaid men’s shirt over another shirt while looking very subtly rumpled. the other thing i like is sheer, gauzy tops/robes with ridiculous floral patterns that i can wear over a thing that is ambiguously either a sports bra or a binder. you know, very #nondenominational gay.