stacking/the word almost:

– something that didn’t used to be a problem becomes a problem: or rather, it was always a problem, but it used to come from many directions at once and in ways so difficult to prevent that it didn’t seem worth it. and now it’s narrowed to a single source and that’s still so difficult to discontinue that it’s not worth it; the problem is still not large enough to tip the scales to “fix problem” over “maintain thing that also causes problem”. but having experienced what not-problem could, theoretically, be like unto (since of course i still haven’t ever not-problem just not-omnidirectional-problem), it becomes much more difficult to deal with this single source of it than it was when that source was just one of many. it’s still right not to fix problem, but i am having many more emotions about it because i can almost see how it would be fixable: how i could just stop thinking about it. imagine not thinking about it!

-the above was written several days ago; the problem is– okay, not fixed, no material circumstances have changed, i just got a single additional point of reassurance that someone besides me knows the problem exists, but apparently that was enough for me to be nearly calm again. i have returned almost to emotional baseline– the baseline being my highly anomalous time of like-unto-no-problem, even though it should really be the state of high-octane fear. this is in itself embarrassing: that i’m apparently so focused on the one aspect of the problem that i can actually be reassured into less anxiety. this is idiotic; the promises i was made will probably either not be kept or not do the job, which will not be anyone’s fault, barely even my own. but at least half of what i wanted was to be allowed to see the problem, i guess, to think it was there and worth worrying about, to have someone (“someone”) say i see you, problem haver, and i’d like you not to have it either. hideous. hideous. but an unutterable comfort all the same.

– i am developing a new problem, on purpose, almost-on-purpose. this is an (almost) entirely different kind of problem from the above. i can feel myself leaning in to the problem. courting it, almost. (ok sorry i’ll stop doing that.) this is of course the kind of problem i (think i) want, the kind of problem the other problem was like before it stopped being like anything at all that i knew how to use. and i do know how to do this, if i decide to commit. but it’s bad. it’ll be bad for several reasons. motivational, useful, distracting, but bad. i might start doing it anyway.