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there’s definitely an alternate-universe version of me whose favorite band is the new pornographers, and i think that version of me is ultimately the worse for it in many ways but also probably has a much less repressed reaction to the desire to just post “my rights versus yours” over and over

the only swimsuit i own now is men’s swim trunks plus a sports bra and i am going to have to swim in front of my grandparents/parents and no ones gonna say shit to my face and if they do i can do the stupid fucking “i’m a FEMINIST, shaving hurts and i shouldn’t have to pay some kind of ‘letting people see the exact contours of my body’ toll in order to swim!!**!*!*~~*~” but wow i am in sad dysphoria hell just thinking about it

sometimes i’m like “am i sure my old job was as terrible as i say it was?” but then other times i walk into the bathroom at work and realize that i think of it primarily as “a bathroom” and not “the place i go to hide every morning for the first 20 minutes after i get to work so i can spend as little time as possible in a public space where one of my supervisors might talk to me”

i can feel the edges of where i could tip over into a weird and yawning sadness, but i’m not doing it! everything is fine. today i have lain on the grass both productively and unproductively, and consumed a lunch without repercussions. i am very much inside my body, but that’s okay, it feels all right in here. not great, but just fine. i am writing a poem that can seem to trap the reader in a loop, but actually there’s a way to get out. that’s the feeling for today: you can get trapped in a loop, but you can also get out.

oh wow i am gonna just…. die

by which i mean: idiot, life ruined by discovery of mold on bag of bagels which it knew were past sell-by and should not have made any plans around, is unable to come up with a second option at 1AM, resigns itself to life of humiliation

also i am not done with homework bc i am not. good at making myself mark offbeats on many many lines of poetry.

ALSO i said something dumb earlier today and im still embarrassed about it bc it was stupid

i am literally not even hungry, i am in pain, that is a different experience and i am so annoyed that my brain is conflating them in this particular manner

NO clue why i feel sad/wanna float out of my body. doesn’t make sense. some hypotheses:

  • ate fried rice (??)
  • tired
  • don’t want to go to this lecture/exhibit for class (i love exhibits but im terrified of actually encountering an artist, especially a real good political activist genius artist when i am an extremely stupid baby)
  • alone in room
  • not getting my work done (more likely a symptom)
  • not actually a very interesting person; unsatisfied with own efforts at “art”
  • can’t have $6 bubble tea with almond milk in it every day of life
  • lonely again but a weird subset of it where i miss having crushes
  • lonely but because i can’t have that one thing that i should never try to have again anyway
  • tired