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today’s activities so far:

-finished knitting (but not weaving in etc) the grey/purple/black hat

-ate extraordinarily decadent leftover ramen for lunch

-studied biology for the gre for a few hours, became smugly assured of my own baseline biology knowledge

-still wearing pajamas

further plans:

-more smug studying

-weave in ends, possibly take off ribbing on blue hat to reknit OR start new red–with-green-and-grey-details hat

-most immediately, shower and put on whichever clothes i find most pleasing, almost certainly a flannel

-prepare important erev rosh hashanah meal of …. salmon & mushroom pasta

-possibly bake honey cake, or just slice up lots of apples to eat with honey or peanut butter&honey spread

wow i want so desperately to kill myself. obviously bc i was awake before 9. that’s why i have to be killed

…

it just hurts so much to exist and do things or go places. it hurts, and i’m tired of hurting: i’m ready to not hurt.

of course, i didn’t have to get up this early– i knew it would hurt but it felt morally right to get up early & then i couldn’t even get up [early "enough"/as early as i wanted to], so i hurt and i failed, but staying in bed to not hurt is a failure even more; i did this to myself, of course. i got up early because–– i don’t know, let’s say i wanted to get to work early and get things done, but of course i won’t be able to, i can only do maybe two things at work today, which is at least partly my own fault for being weak/lazy/performative on saturday when i was supposed to do work. so 1. i should save them to do when people are around & i can find out if the parts of the undoable tasks that aren’t my fault can be done yet. and 2. no one else at my job shows up at all until roughly 10 AM and it takes me maybe fifteen minutes to walk there.

…..but i have to be up before 9. because uh–– because that’s–– because that’s how to be good. and i so wish i could be good.

star trek discussion i guess?????

got super weirdly emotional about ds9 s1e15 (”if wishes were horses” in which figments of various people’s imaginations come to life wreak havoc etc, star trek star trek) mostly i think because of my weird painful empathy for bashir??? in it? well both bashir and jadzia. i at once think jadzia is absolutely right to be upset about bashir’s apparent interest in a bashir-obsessed, sex-obsessed, subservient version of her, but also i am so like…….. idk i think on some level i just discovered that having some imaginary, one-dimensional version of a person i was interested in from some one-off fantasy show up, and for the actual version of that person to be confronted by it, is maybe my Literal Worst Nightmare Made Flesh. and bashir was just put off/taken aback/apologetic enough about the whole thing for me to fully project onto that scenario the degree to which i think that my interest in other people is inherently harmful & violent, i’m fundamentally predatory, it denies other people’s personhood for me to be interested in them, etc. this isn’t even strictly how i feel anymore, not least bc i’m not actually still dwelling in tortured silence wrt my most recent serious iteration of having a nightmarish secret crush, but it’s still recent enough that watching some version of it happen was a lot in a very uh unanticipated way. so. that’s my star trek thoughts! ds9 review so far: i like it; i am embarrassed that i like julian bashir so much.