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star trek discussion i guess?????

got super weirdly emotional about ds9 s1e15 (”if wishes were horses” in which figments of various people’s imaginations come to life wreak havoc etc, star trek star trek) mostly i think because of my weird painful empathy for bashir??? in it? well both bashir and jadzia. i at once think jadzia is absolutely right to be upset about bashir’s apparent interest in a bashir-obsessed, sex-obsessed, subservient version of her, but also i am so like…….. idk i think on some level i just discovered that having some imaginary, one-dimensional version of a person i was interested in from some one-off fantasy show up, and for the actual version of that person to be confronted by it, is maybe my Literal Worst Nightmare Made Flesh. and bashir was just put off/taken aback/apologetic enough about the whole thing for me to fully project onto that scenario the degree to which i think that my interest in other people is inherently harmful & violent, i’m fundamentally predatory, it denies other people’s personhood for me to be interested in them, etc. this isn’t even strictly how i feel anymore, not least bc i’m not actually still dwelling in tortured silence wrt my most recent serious iteration of having a nightmarish secret crush, but it’s still recent enough that watching some version of it happen was a lot in a very uh unanticipated way. so. that’s my star trek thoughts! ds9 review so far: i like it; i am embarrassed that i like julian bashir so much.

there’s definitely an alternate-universe version of me whose favorite band is the new pornographers, and i think that version of me is ultimately the worse for it in many ways but also probably has a much less repressed reaction to the desire to just post “my rights versus yours” over and over

my roommates both helped me while i was recovering from surprise iud, incl. making/bringing me food so i didn’t have to stand up a lot, carrying laundry up & down stairs, and walking with me to a slightly far meeting i had to go to– nothing i couldn’t have done on my own even at my most unwell, but sometimes it’s just really nice to have people help you do stuff and to get to lie down and wait for the cramps to go away (which they mostly have by now)

and both of them were so kind & thoughtful & solicitous about it, & about checking in with me several times as i recover, and this was all a very minor procedure that i underwent on purpose but it’s still so nice to be taken care of, you know?

the only swimsuit i own now is men’s swim trunks plus a sports bra and i am going to have to swim in front of my grandparents/parents and no ones gonna say shit to my face and if they do i can do the stupid fucking “i’m a FEMINIST, shaving hurts and i shouldn’t have to pay some kind of ‘letting people see the exact contours of my body’ toll in order to swim!!**!*!*~~*~” but wow i am in sad dysphoria hell just thinking about it

ok what do i wear to the mountain goats tonight. currently i am wearing the ghost print floral shirt and i can’t decide if i stay with it or not

considerations: a good shirt in the abstract for sure. exists in mysterious casualnoncasual simultaneity. might need a jacket or something bc a/c, would have to choose one? vague dad-adjacency vibes/noncausuality means committing to not being in cool gay tmg chicago audience demo but also allows for smug assertion that in fact in wearing it i understand tmg more as the project toward eventually becoming the dad at the end of the deathseeking teenager tunnel/signalling that i am, thru the magic of therapy, already committed to being alive/jd is a literal dad and even he isnt going to be wearing a button down/i’m gay i can do whatever i want/but i still won’t be interesting

(ETA i forgot the original reason i was even debating the shirt in the first place which is that i have to leave the bottom button unbuttoned or it pulls over my hips, bringing forward some interesting philosophical difficulties about the inextricable gendered quality of my fucking skeleton. but clearly i was distracted by more important matters)

anyway. you know. whatever you guys are thinking. for other options i have like…. t shirts. i could always go with my lc! football jersey but i worry i may have done so before given the ease at which the thought occurs to me, plus it’s a little on the nose to show up in fake sports huge letters DOOMED but then again on the nose is possibly also Part of Understanding the Project