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most important thing i’ve learned this week is that you can use creme fraiche instead of yogurt in pancakes, but the pancakes will be denser, dramatically golden in color, and brown in an uneven way rather than uniformly across the surface of the pancake (the latter at least is presumably because of the higher fat content? since it looked similar to the effect of adding extra oil to the pan)

i had an extremely long dream that was literally just: i enter the mirrorverse version of my own world. like all mirrorverse worlds, it is Sexy, but instead of being Sexy because of the mirror universe’s evil and flirtatious inhabitants, it’s Sexy because they never invented any fabrics except spandex.

today’s activities so far:

-finished knitting (but not weaving in etc) the grey/purple/black hat

-ate extraordinarily decadent leftover ramen for lunch

-studied biology for the gre for a few hours, became smugly assured of my own baseline biology knowledge

-still wearing pajamas

further plans:

-more smug studying

-weave in ends, possibly take off ribbing on blue hat to reknit OR start new red–with-green-and-grey-details hat

-most immediately, shower and put on whichever clothes i find most pleasing, almost certainly a flannel

-prepare important erev rosh hashanah meal of …. salmon & mushroom pasta

-possibly bake honey cake, or just slice up lots of apples to eat with honey or peanut butter&honey spread

every day is cr/mps. or h**d*che but cr/mps is worse bc doing things that feel like they should help doesn’t help, whereas everyone knows h**d*che is an inviolable creation of G-d & impervious to human efforts at appeasement

wow i want so desperately to kill myself. obviously bc i was awake before 9. that’s why i have to be killed

…

it just hurts so much to exist and do things or go places. it hurts, and i’m tired of hurting: i’m ready to not hurt.

of course, i didn’t have to get up this early– i knew it would hurt but it felt morally right to get up early & then i couldn’t even get up [early "enough"/as early as i wanted to], so i hurt and i failed, but staying in bed to not hurt is a failure even more; i did this to myself, of course. i got up early because–– i don’t know, let’s say i wanted to get to work early and get things done, but of course i won’t be able to, i can only do maybe two things at work today, which is at least partly my own fault for being weak/lazy/performative on saturday when i was supposed to do work. so 1. i should save them to do when people are around & i can find out if the parts of the undoable tasks that aren’t my fault can be done yet. and 2. no one else at my job shows up at all until roughly 10 AM and it takes me maybe fifteen minutes to walk there.

…..but i have to be up before 9. because uh–– because that’s–– because that’s how to be good. and i so wish i could be good.