i currently have a very strong feeling that it is preferable to stay somewhat uncertain (of whether one is completely welcome, of which liberties may be taken, of whether one is doing something right, of what other people want) and thus be made to ask and be considerate, precisely because it is continuously necessary to consider; that is, to refuse scripts, to refuse the feeling that one knows what comes next because it is Understood what comes next, but also (within reason of course) to refuse to act on patterns from the past, to refuse to assume that because something was once welcome it will continue to be welcome even if the situation appears identical and there are certain signals one could see one’s way to interpreting

it is very obvious to me that this is me at least in part reacting to previous and recent experiences in my life that were at least partly bad due to assumptions of access and welcome, due to the entrenchment of scripts that allowed for a sort of collective sleight-of-hand evasion of who, exactly, wanted things to be happening as they were.

however, it’s not completely clear to me if this means that i’m having effectively a trauma reaction and that healthy people/relationships don’t aspire to exist in a state of constant morally virtuous anxiety-uncertainty; or if i’m correctly identifying the (a) way to actively permit consent and intentional involvement and happiness for people in various ways; or if it’s not strictly unhealthy to implement this now, but as time progresses it will become possible to see ways to exist in a pattern without sublimating one’s moment-to-moment interests to the service of the pattern