well my boss looked at the (¾ths of a) poster i was able to assemble by myself and seemed to be of the opinion that it was a good presentation of the data/an interesting story which is holy shit an unbelievable relief to me, i’ve never assembled a poster before, i have no idea what i’m doing
like on some level i’m aware that i’m actually possessed of some degree of expertise as far as my research subject is concerned, and also that i do in fact know how to write and frame a narrative, but i’m so constantly aware of all the ways in which i am a total knowledge&experience-free infant that it’s hard to put any weight on it
but oh my god, i’m actually kind of good at biology, and the thing is i really love it, i like figuring out how to think about these problems and i like thinking about complex systems and talking them over with other people and i like working with data and microscopes and i especially like figuring out how to communicate things about this to other people, i can actually do??? my job????? in the field i am planning to pursue even more years of specialized training in? so uh that’s a relief lmao

For Caroline

knitmeapony:

Fragment
A. E. Stallings

The glass does not break because it is glass,
Said the philosopher. The glass could stay
Unbroken forever, shoved back in a dark closet,
Slowly weeping itself, a colorless liquid.
The glass breaks because somebody drops it
From a height — a grip stunned open by bad news
Or laughter. A giddy sweep of grand gesture
Or fluttering nerves might knock it off the table —
Or perhaps wine emptied from it, into the blood,
Has numbed the fingers. It breaks because it falls
Into the arms of the earth — that grave attraction.
It breaks because it meets the floor’s surface,
Which is solid and does not give. It breaks because
It is dropped, and falls hard, because it hits
Bottom, and because nobody catches it.

so i’m presenting a poster at a conference on thursday which i’m excited about except i have 1. a really unambiguous men’s haircut which also brings out Confusing Androgyny Face lmao and 2. a very high/femmy professional presenting-things voice (and also in general lmao) 

since i also have my girlname on my poster & the program & that’s how i’ll be introducing myself, i should definitely wear girl formalwear but 1. i don’t really… own much of that anymore 2. most of the stuff i’m comfortable in makes me read to myself as almost more masc just due to like… dissonance. it’s weird bc i didn’t used to think that basically at all but now every time i wear girlclothes im like “hmmm. shoulders. shoulders. face? body…. shape. hhaaaands. ………no”. i don’t think my body has changed at all except haircut so maybe it’s just my perception and not how anyone else will see me? probably that even. but still. ….hghgk