Author: unopenablebox

there’s definitely an alternate-universe version of me whose favorite band is the new pornographers, and i think that version of me is ultimately the worse for it in many ways but also probably has a much less repressed reaction to the desire to just post “my rights versus yours” over and over

remembering dreams over and over, remembering dreams and having the same dream again

the dream with the tunnel under the buildings; in this one every time the entrances must be dug out of where they are hidden, in planters and under steps, opened only with the help of others because i don’t have the strength. in this one i eventually connect with two others enough for us to pull ourselves from the maze and save each other, but other people are left behind, and i wake before we reach a point of any real safety.

the dream with the terraces in layers of concrete, making a cliff down to the ocean; in which the only other figure was someone with whom i feel totally open and without fear, and the two of us were open to each other in ways we don’t need or want in real life but which in the dream reflected the ways we actually are at ease together.

the dream with the low open house full of sun with the door that opens to a beach: once, in this dream, i lay on the floor between two beds and the house was full of my friends, and one of them stood over me protectively and then fell on top of me full of bullets. the second time, in this dream, i lay on the floor between two beds and the house was full of my friends, and one of them came and sat beside me and stripped the packaging off my headphones with their teeth for me.

the dream with the clean all-white upholstery and the hotel bed where i hold someone and they tell me, slowly, stumblingly, how much they– and if i could, just for a moment, let them– and if i’d forgive them, if i’d allow them this desire even if i could never– and then i touch their face slowly and carefully, and then woke up in a hotel bed glowing for nearly ten minutes of selective amnesia in which i forget which things i am allowed to want

trying to figure out where to buy headphones not from amazon bc the right earbud in mine died and the like in-person stores near me …..

target. target. right. okay. post, uh. post cancelled. sorry. i remembered about, stores,

toastpiercer:

audible-smiles:

lesbianaaronburr:

i don’t know how to insert a readmore in mobile so you’re going to have to deal with this post. bear with me. i don’t understand why ds9 fandom casts garak as some sort of suave oscar wilde daddy dom when he’s clearly the kind of older man who gets trashed at a casino at 3pm on thursdays and tips dabo boys extra to hold him while he cries

the first thing we ever see him do is beeline over to the very shiniest twink from a nation comprised solely of shiny twinks (while he’s fucked up on space oxy btw) like “hey, i usually don’t approach people from space grindr in crowded public places before noon like this, but i haven’t had sex in nine years, so hmu if you ever want to…. ‘visit my tailoring shop’……… as they say.” he’s not that smooth.

imo that’s the very thing that makes g/b so great. like while garak IS technically a dangerous feminine powerful enemy spy, which as we all know is julian bashir’s charmingly bisexual fetish, even when bashir runs into ops for the first time like “I THINK GARAK IS A SPY AND WE CAN LEARN ALL MANNER OF SPY SECRETS FROM HIM” jadzia is immediately like “bro maybe but i’m pretty sure he mostly just wants to s your d.” and it’s actually incredibly magical that it even works!! ONLY fucking julian “teach for america” bashir would look at this portly middle-aged disaster of lizard man like “holy shit, i finally found my very own bond girl, holy shit, my dream.“ i honestly honestly just don’t think people understand the central themes of star trek: deep space nine at all

“the only issue I have with The Best Post in the World is that Oscar Wilde, while suave, was also the type of older man to get trashed in a casino at 3pm on a Thursday and pay a young man to hold him while he cried”- me

I’m going through my own ds9 tag because its gold and god, its a fuckin’ tragedy that OP deactivated, because they were a visionary 

changed my url but im still here and my posts are worse than ever b4

got all gender again today for a while, partly bc i’m struggling with–– public presentation questions, i guess, things about how i actually curate my Self. like: i’m not actually haunted by the knowledge that some people will not pick up on/correctly read/“correctly gender” me based on my presentation, that’s like fine, i didn’t expect near-universal comprehension of my visual/presentational Project at any point regardless of whether it involved gender identity. it’s more that there are things that are clearly curational and that would move toward achieving more of the goals of the project/being more “successful” at coming across in [ways] to people generally. and the thing is that while a lot of the presentational project is about me/my goals/satisfying myself, it’s not like the whole concept of having presentational goals is not in many ways predicated upon having an audience to present to; i do care and care to influence how i am viewed by others, what kinds of intentional choices i appear to be making and how those would seem to coalesce.

the big things are my name and my voice. it’s hard for me to imagine an american-culture-legible person’s name that i would identify with more strongly than gray, which…. i don’t identify with. [birthname] i at once feel more and less strongly about––more simply because of like, built up associative stuff, less because it’s not on its own particularly aesthetically interesting imo and has some amount of cultural/religious gendered baggage or w/e, tho idk that that’s strictly the first association for people who are not like, deep in to bible study or w/e lmao. [if that’s the first association for jews then like whatever, that’s a little better actually, bc i do like that it’s like. pretty jewish. but still ultimately not really me.]

what i like more is, well, as i’ve said–– [static], an unpronounceable symbol, a color, if absolutely necessary maybe a non-name object noun, the word “glass”. but that feels like it foregrounds the gender thing in some pretty ostentatious and visible ways that seem to connote some things that i don’t strictly want to be always connoting. especially in a college context it feels like i’m going to put people into kind of a place of expecting me to be About gender/transness where i don’t really…. want to be. it’s fun to talk about and think about but with like, people who are actually interesting about it, which is …. not most people, and definitely does not include like, my coworkers or heterosexual friends-of-friends. and i feel like i’m therefore caught between using a name i feel neutral at best about but that incurs Difficulty bc name change problems/i still would have to talk about gender, vs using a name that i don’t really like except for ease reasons, and that would also seem to not align with everything else i’m like, doing, in ways that feel jarring/like i’m not being deliberate enough with or succeeding at my concepts, yk? like the problem with birthname is at least partly that it’s just not gendered correctly or occupying an aesthetic space that lines up with my Thing, and i don’t want to seem like a person who doesn’t understand their own Thing enough to line things up with it well, but everything that truly does align with my Thing is, you know, #898989.

so there’s that.

hopefully a faster meditation is that: i know at least sometimes my voice is the thing between me and ~~passing as male~~ since people who just see and don’t hear me will pretty unambiguously address me as sir/bro/etc if i’m wearing even remotely plausible clothing. and i think the Ideal Me would have a slightly lower androgynous-range voice. but like. i do like my voice fine, in a vacuum, and the obvious thing which is T is not uh strictly appealing to me given the range of possible effects both globally and in terms of the fact that in my very limited interpersonal experience, some people end up with voices that are “pitch shifted into male range” but also become … buzzy? or something? i think? in a way i don’t mind at all in other people but would h a t e in myself. and i can’t tell if vocal training is like…. a relevant concept here, especially since most trans ppl going my vocal direction….are on T, and also given that i get vocal strain from like Literally Any Singing and am just maybe not a good candidate for trying to do that. also i am not really feeling irreversibility rn wrt my body, just like generally.