more gender

part of that is that i have an intense discomfort w/ the idea of doing a str8 attraction/romance/interaction of any kind tbh. i know that that’s, idk, a societal messaging thing at least partially, Not All Straight Relationships, whatever, but the idea of a man relating to me as a woman (like at all kind of but esp esp esp in a ~relationship sense) is …. horrifying. and i can’t quite tell if the idea of me relating to a woman as a man is more awful for str8 reasons than it is just laughable, like the idea that i could arrive at Male at all but especially as a “girl’s” “boyfriend” is …. ok yeah no that’s also horrible, typing that out has made it clear, girls shouldn’t have boyfriends and i am no exception. so like. idk. i need whatever i’m doing to be gay, i guess. this feels dishonest: why do i get to decide that what i feel is gay because i want (“need”) it to be? if other people wouldn’t read me/what i’m doing as gay am i going to be outlawed for it? how is that belief consistent with my past comfort with being the feminine/“female” person in a pair i knew was at least sometimes being read as m/f but was definitely not actually? who will arrest me for gender crimes and accidentally wishing i could identify with the concept of a tw*nk