47-50

47. If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

i usually make a standalone resolutions post at the end of the year, and presumably will again, but here’s some, randomly, as i think of them:

• i’m going to spend less time trying to extrapolate, from no information, ways in which i have been fundamentally wrong and in which i could become more correct
• i will feel obligated to fewer people, such that do not i let people whom i do not even love screw with me simply out of a feeling that it would be unreasonable for me to object to such treatment. ideally i wouldn’t let people i love do that either but that’s maybe more of a 2019-level aspiration
• i’ll figure out how to do the strength training/flexibility work that i want to do on my body in a way that’s actually sustainable and not harmful to me in other ways

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this?

i assume the end of that is supposed to be “who would you take with you.” my first thought is some kind of multiple-day hiking trip with a distinct, goal-oriented beginning and end and minimal to no internet access, somewhere snowy with forest. thought the second is a train-based trip through some part of europe, again a lot of movement is essential, which isn’t usually so much what i look for in a vacation but which is apparently essential for an “adventure” in my mind. thought the third is my bizarre desire to do some kind of large-scale, multi-day collaborative art project/installation with a bunch of other people. for the first two things i would bring like four or five friends (roommate/[names redacted]/my gf). for the third…… roommate, [redacted], my two favorite people from this quarter’s poetry class, my favorite person from last year’s art class… basically as many people whose thoughts i love as possible, in this insane fantasy in which we all could work together on a thing in a thoughtful excited way.

49. What do you wish for others for the coming year?

well, for people i love specifically i want more kindness to themselves, and more ease and comfort in their ways of being, which are good ways. i wish them more love from everyone they’d like to love them, and less attention from anyone they wish would go away, and the opening of more opportunities 

for a few people– mostly the people who have abused others, especially but not limited to people i love– i wish revelation, and loss, and genuine remorse that grows just as their victims’ pain is diminished, and whatever else their victims wish on them specifically which i am not personally equipped to wish.

50. What do you wish for yourself?

more kindness, more activity, more art. less impulsivity per se, but more willingness to act on desires, and to have desires. less eternal acquiescence, and even willingness, to be hurt. a better memory, both in the sense that would improve my studying ability and in the sense that would allow me to maintain a coherent overall picture of my relationship with someone else over time.

uh, mildly more concretely– a finished-enough research project, classes i love as much as i anticipate loving them, the deepening or extension or stabilization of a couple of relationships, the final merciful release from a few sources of psychological torment.